Thursday, September 25, 2014

You Can't Break Up with Me. Ever.

The kids started at a new school about a month ago. Its changed my life. All of a sudden, there are waking hours in my day for uninterrupted work and chores. Because the universe works this way, at right about the same time several absolute time-suckers appeared in my life, but those are not quite ready to be written about.

As it is, one morning a few weeks ago, I decided to finally break up with Claro (If you're a bit late to the game, this is the phone company we've been using the last three years and they are--in a word--criminals). I had heard that another company, Viva, was decent and you could simply pop your SIM card into any smartphone and be ready to go. Sounds great!* We were just given a couple old smartphones. Maybe I would finally have a phone that I could hear ring and wouldn't constantly send me texts (unblocking my keypad!) asking me if I wanted to see Carolina's private photos or get the day's hottest sex jokes.
I marched into a Viva office and declared that I wanted to break up with Claro.

Me: Can I keep my same phone number and come be with you?
VivaRep: Yes. You'll just need to answer a few questions. Why are you leaving Claro?
Me: Because "Claro: Where every frustration is possible."
          (Claro's marketing byline is: "Claro: Where everything is possible")

VivaRep filled out the necessary form according to my answers, checked my identification and had me sign electronically. It was so easy. Too easy. I was told to return in three days to get my new SIM. Ah, customer service.
I'd never broken up with anyone in such an indirect way before. I didn't have to go and talk to Claro face to face or even leave a cowardly voice message. Someone else was going to do it for me.
I'd been broken up with like that before in the 6th grade:
ScabbyKnees6thGrader: "Jason doesn't want to go out with you anymore."
Me, slightly confused: "Jason who asked me out two days ago?"
ScabbyKnees: "Yup."
Me: "Jason who only wears blue sweat shorts every day?"
ScabbyKnees: "Yeah, bye!"
Me: "Ok."
And then Jason moved away. He is now a successful business man who started a service company specializing in outsourcing breakups. Admittedly, he is still single.

What happened after three days? Nothing. My Claro phone still works. I don't have a Viva SIM. Claro didn't deny my request. They just completely ignored it and pretended we were still together. So far, its working out for them. And Viva has given up. Perhaps I should give Jason a call.

*Note the truth about Viva: You can use any UNLOCKED smartphone, just like anywhere else. Even after discovering this, though, I still preferred the unknown, new relationship over the old, abusive one.

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