Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sowing Seeds of Misery and Joy

"We have been lost to each other for so long."
I've come to this place in my journey. In the last few months, my body, mind and heart have been taxed intensely. We'll call it growing pains--the complete package.
It all started out reality-show-style. Do you know that participants on those shows are often sleep deprived to up the likelihood of drama? So, there I was at the beginning of November with a bonafide case of Dengue Fever. For ten straight days I battled high-fever (Does that say 104?!), dehydration impossible to quench, physical weakness so debilitating it was tiring to watch a movie whilst lying listless in bed. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't eat. I left the house once a day to get my blood drawn, checking my platelet levels. I used all of my energy to convince my sweet husband not to admit me to the hospital (where I'd surely catch something else) even though we were told I must do so on three separate occasions. Yes, I'm a terrible patient. On day 5, I had a break-down like I've never had before. I was found sitting on our roof in the rain, sobbing. I do not have a sad bone in my body. Frustration, anger, remorse--I have all that when the mood strikes. But sadness? I can count on one hand how many times I have been "depressed" for more than a few hours--in my life. So it began. I started to water the weeds with my tears, focused on all that is wrong.
Such a tangled web of difficulties were heaped upon us in following weeks, many of which I don't care to share here, it took some time to step out and see in clearly. I'd let myself get so entangled, when bits of wonderful appeared, I didn't quite recognize them. My tendency for gratitude slipped away and all the pieces turned to burdens. My new strategy became simply riding out the awful, accepting that I wouldn't understand most of what was happening, letting go of my need for clear answers and embracing an overall feeling of helplessness. I was a victim of my own making.
Well, friends, that is such a crappy way to live. I'm grateful for the experience, as I am for most experiences, because it allows me to connect to and understand others in a clearer way, to empathize as I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. We are regularly in the company of miserable people and it can be supremely difficult to not be affected, infected. I do not intend, however, to ever go back there myself. Good grief. How did I climb out? Much the same way I climbed in, just in reverse.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven."

Why was life so terrible? My own damn fault. There it is. I took my own advice to my children, "You are in charge of how you feel. You cannot put the blame of your misery on anyone else." Finally.
Instead of focusing on all the things that were going wrong--and yes, I thought 'twas a lot all at once--I began counting all the things that were sources of joy, signs of beauty in the world. The bright spots--and yes, there are so very many!
While I am still adjusting to many of the changes we've made in response to a great many recent transitions, I am thrilled with each delicate, new bud that springs forth, announcing itself ever-so subtly. So subtly, in fact, they would otherwise be easy to miss among the weeds I let grow out of control. That too, shall be remedied shortly.

"O ye lovers of God! Be kind to all peoples; care for every person; do all ye can to purify the hearts and minds of men; strive ye to gladden every soul. To every meadow be a shower of grace, to every tree the water of life; be as sweet musk to the sense of humankind, and to the ailing be a fresh, restoring breeze. Be pleasing waters to all those who thirst, a careful guide to all who have lost their way; be father and mother to the orphan, be loving sons and daughters to the old, be an abundant treasure to the poor. Think ye of love and good fellowship as the delights of heaven, think ye of hostility and hatred as the torments of hell."

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Thanks, 2013! 'Twas good.

Dearest Lovelies,
I just made this. For you. 
While you are always welcome to come hang out with us at the library, it isn't exactly going to be on everyone's bucket list. Totally get it. But I do know that you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to see all this awesomeness. 
The first six months were dedicated to gearing up for, launching, running and closing our Indiegogo Campaign. 'Twas intense for these newbies with a learning curve that looked like a sheer cliff. We signed a contract for our library space in the last days of June, so here you have it. The first, glorious six months of the library that belongs to so many the world around.

Just in case the video above didn't work out for you. Here 'tis:

And here's the link to follow the library on Instagram, because we're having the most fun with that lately.

Keep rockin'.